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Talk:Gears of War:Reconnoiter/Original Draft
=Review by EightyOne= Hi Screennameless. I have been reading Reconnoiter for a long time now, and seeing as you like feedback, I have finally bothered to write a review. Before you read it, two things; I am really sorry if any of this offends you, I just wanted to give an honest review and not just go "Wow! Amazing! etc". There is very little critisism, but I thought I should say what i actually thought. Secondly I am sorry about the length. It started as a short but concise review and ended up being the longest thing I have written for ages! If you like it and want me to post it on FanFiction.net I would be happy to, but I am not familiar with the site and wouldn't know how. Finally, I apologise of any spelling/grammer mistakes in the review. I know how hypocritical it is to write about one authors spellign and grammer when I have trouble with it. All I ask is that you take pity on me; here in the UK it is 1:45 in the morning, and I read all of Reconnoiter again so it would be fresh in my mind for the review! Never say you don't have any devoted fans! Thanks, --EightyOne (talk) 01:47, 17 March 2009 (UTC) :Are you kidding me? Thank you so much, you big dork! I couldn't have asked for a better, more perfectly balanced review. Jesus crap. You said I had a "stroke of brilliance". Seriously. :D :I'll see if I can't come up with a better explanation of Mary Sues. It's a bit of a subjective thing... I think the quickest summary is "a character idealized to the point of being infuriating". They win at everything, and usually win quickly. Everyone loves them, and the people who don't usually suffer horrible fates as consequence. They're more powerful than everyone else. Basically, a Mary Sue is that lone girl gear who takes out an entire army of Locust without getting dirty, impressing the entirety of Delta squad in the process. :I responded to some of the things you mentioned in the Q&A. The one I didn't address was literary techniques, because basically all I know is alliteration, consonance, assonance, and onomatopoeia, and I only know how to use them in poetry. :P :Again, thanks so much. (e-hugs you) [[User:Screennameless|'Screennameless']] - "Goodnight, everybody!" 03:42, 17 March 2009 (UTC) Review of Reconnoiter, chapters 1 to 10, by Screennameless. Written by EightyOne on 17/3/2009. Posted to Gears of War Fanon on the same date. Reconnoiter is, in simple terms, excellent. The narrative flows at the perfect pace, and there is never a moment, even when there is no action, that the plot seems to drag. In addition, the reader never feels like they are being forced though the story too fast. This is one of greatest strengths of Reconnoiter; it reads so naturally and smoothly that one can concentrate solely on what is going on, and a lot goes on. Despite at first glance seeming to be a standard action story, with big guns, big explosions, and plenty of blood, Reconnoiter is full of intrigue and mystery. In a stroke of brilliance, Screennameless does not cast the mighty Marcus Fenix as the hero, but rather Damon Baird. This allows the author to explore the story though a completely different perspective to the games, which makes if refreshingly different. I have a certain bias here, having always been a big Baird fan, but it remains a master stroke. Indeed, I could go on praising Reconnoiter all day, but that would not get anybody anywhere. Instead, I am going to narrow both praise and criticism (let’s not get lost in a wave of praise; no story is perfect) down to the points that affect the story the most. Characterisation The characterisation was generally very good, but I am going to pick up on a few things that I felt where amiss. Marcus was a mixed character here; often he was perfect, the gruff, humourless, gravel voiced sergeant barking laconic orders. However sometimes he just didn’t seem right; sometimes he seemed to be slightly to humours and carefree (in particular during banter with Dom). These moments where rare, however. One thing I did notice was just how silent he is. In the game one is always controlling him, and thus he seems constantly active. However when the focus is spread more widely, we realise unnaturally quite he is. This was brilliantly done, and is one of the little things that make Reconnoiter so good Dom was one of the best written characters here. At times he could also seem a bit carefree, but there were many subtle hints that there was something more complex going on inside. Like Marcus, Dom has been moved to a more supporting role here, yet he still manages to make is presence felt and remains an important part of interaction between the other characters. Cole was by far the best written character that has come from the games. While it may appear that he is easy to write, just lots of shouting, he is far more complex than his lack of volume control suggests. Screennameless has obviously read Aspho Fields, because she retains many of Cole subtleties from the novel. In particular, his role as a sympathetic character. Baird, the hero of story, has been brilliantly expanded upon to form a complex and intriguing character that draws the reader into his mind. He keeps his sharp and often brutal sense of cynicism and whit, and yet is far from a copy of his in-game persona. In particular, his interactions with Nell and the occasional hint of a more human side are fascinating. Perhaps the most telling line of Baird’s, and I think the best line in the whole story so far, opens up a whole other side to the character: "I wanted to fix it. Because I was so good at fixing things." I can’t wait to see how the character will continue to develop. The Marauders I am lumping in together. They were all good characters, and perhaps most importantly none of them were annoying (not even Liam, and I usually hate children in fiction) . I’m putting them together simply because they have not yet had an significant impact on the plot. My personal favourite must be Gabe (although he could be slightly more aggressive), and I look forward to see how Nell develops. There is one aspect of Nell that I’m not quite sure of, but I’ll discuss that late. Use of dialogue I think that the author and I have a big difference when it comes to writing fiction; the use of dialogue. I rarely use it, preferring to work around prose, while Screennameless uses it a lot. I’m not saying this is bad, but I sometimes found it hard to keep track of what was going on. However all I needed to do was go back over what I had just read and I soon got the thread of narrative again. If this is the authors preferred way of writing don’t change it. It did nothing to hinder my enjoyment of the story. However, if there was one thing that I didn’t like in Reconnoiter, it was the use of dialogue in the combat scenes. The odd frantic yell and command is alright, but there were often long sentences and even banter. This often killed the action, as the focus was on the characters and not the combat. The protagonists seemed to be invincible, while the Locust posed no threat. Try to cut down on dialogue in the actions scenes; it will make them much more intense and believable. Grammer and Language Both of these were really good. I can think of only one spelling error in the entire ten chapters. The language was good as well. It could have been more adventurously used sometimes, but the descriptions remained vivid even without. It would have been nice to see a few literary techniques employed to spice up the narrative (I apologize if you don’t know what I’m talking about here; I did English Lit right up until the end of school, and when get taught all these techniques to look out for. If you don’t know them, don’t worry, you’re not supposed to yet!). I would have liked to have seen sibilance (a personal favourite of mine) used to create unease during the stealthy scenes. However I think the most useful addition to the structure of the narrative would be having short sharp sentences and punctuation to break up the dialogue and make the text harder to read (I think the fancy word for this is Caesura). While this might seem counter-productive, it puts the reader on edge and makes them feel uneasy. This would be particularly effective during the combat scenes, by cutting down on dialogue but making it have more effect. Other than those minor issues, the use of language was perfectly adequate, and as I have said before, the narrative flowed perfectly. Mary-Sueism? I had never heard of Mary-Sues until I started reading Reconnoiter. I still don’t quite understand them. All I know is that, from the little I know about Screennameless, the character of Nell and the author are quite similar. The author wants blue hair, her character has it. They are about the same height. They both have a thing for Baird. Nell talks about being a rebel as a child, the author is an anarchist. However, I acknowledge that she is a developed, interesting character, and not a mindless way of living out fantasies. I have probably got this all wrong because I don’t really get the concept, but I felt I should make the point any way. In conclusion Reconnoiter is, I’ll say it again, excellent. Screennameless should be proud of her work, especially considering her age (however mature one is, they still won’t have had the English lessons somebody a few years older has had). I can’t believe that it’s only been ten chapters, and that there are at least another thirty to go. At least I know that if the quality remains this high, then it will be well worth the wait. Updates Are you going to be updating the original as well as the "revised" version? I was kinda confused as to which one I should watch for updates on...speaking of which, is the one on Fanfiction.net the original? I assumed that it was, but there I go, assuming again...(reading with bloodshot eyes)...I gotta get back on the horn on feedback, but there's not alot of activity on updating the FF's, with the exception of a few peoplez, go them! lol :Only the revised version will be updated. The FF.net version is also the revised version. ;P [[User:Screennameless|'Screennameless']](Talk) 01:00, January 17, 2010 (UTC)